Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Brawl

I don't like the Super Bowl (mainly because it has nothing to do with cereal), and not because I don't like sports (which is part of it) what I don't like is the fans. Fans of really anything. You know of course the word "fan" comes from the word "fanatic", only it is half as committed. The problem is that "Fans" are annoying, and it brings out the worst social behavior that isn't actually illegal. This is my problem with fans of any stripe (sports, sci-fi and religious (especially christian)) As fans we become more exclusive, think we are right, and demonize the other side (for those of you not familiar this is the seed of the reason for most wars). So I saw we ban fans, exclude them from society and point out their inhuman features.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

All I want for Eastermas

No it is not Christmas  (but that's because Valentines is first), but I still want things. I used to think I didn't want many things (that was my early socialist phase), but now I find that I want tons of stuff (I was cured, or infected, your choice). And all of it right now. I am a good consumer (well not really, I don't have any money, the only thing that makes me valuable to a capitalist). My mom and daddy, excuse me, my parental advertising board, raised me right (thank you Mommy Kool-Aid, and Daddy Hasbro). My problem is my paycheck (okay, my non paycheck) It doesn't play nice with my wants which are unlimited (unlike my paycheck) Slowly I am getting in touch with myself (masturbation helps) and I am learning what it is I really want (and a bit about what I need). But it is a painful and slow process that involves a lot of mistakes (many more mistakes). But mistakes and messes are the Potholes of Life that as we drive help us navigate the Road (or some smart sounding takeaway bullshit)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Kublai Car

Today I had to get the oil changed in my car (allright, wanted to). Strike that I had to put oil in my car (because there was none). I checked it the oil and there was nothing on the dip stick (also the reason pregnancies happen) I am not fond of car maintenance (about all I can maintain is the gas, and even that is iffy) But I manged to get it done (because I took it somewhere that can do it) and everything checked out okay (for once) Now all I have to do is get it in before the timing belt breaks and destroys my car (no pressure). Thanks, car.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Jobless unSeattle*

I have been chronically underemployed for the last 10 years (as well as unemployed). Mostly because my jobs ceased to exist, while I was being hired (DOA - done on assignment). For awhile I took it personally (because I wanted too). But then I realized that unless I was writing the budgets for the companies I couldn't really be blamed (even though they tried, but those charges never stuck!). I did my job (or at least the parts they could see). I showed up for my hours (and no more). Put in the paperwork (mostly in the trash). It was the companies I worked for that didn't show up, and didn't put in the right paper work (sometimes literally) Fortunately I am on my way back to more work (even it it isn't paid). It is showing up slowly (like my paychecks). But I am thankful to have something to do (I've realized what a boring person I am, man I need something to do with my time.)
*I don't and have never lived in Seattle

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Facebook Lift

Now we know, you've had work done, on your Facebook page (even if you don't have one). Yep, eventually, you are going to have a new look on your Facebook (one of embarrassment?). Even if you don't need it/want it (which you probably don't). It is coming, the new, the "better" the Facebook (better to Mark maybe). Keep in mind, if you don't evolve eventually you will die (or go to Myspace). Of course a digital death is far less painful (or permanent) than regular death. Now you won't have to wait till you die to see your whole life flash before your eyes (prepare to be bored.)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Posting Posters

Growing up I never had posters. I still don't even understand the purpose of posters. It seems to me like they are nothing more than large post cards, and blank ones. Or its like you bought a frame at K-Mart and decided to leave the picture of the people in it. Are you afraid that you are going to forget what or who you like, so you post in on your wall? Like it is some kind of giant sticky note. Someday someone will ask you: "Hey Bob, who or what do you like?" and you can't remember, so you go back to your room and look at the walls: "Oh, yea, Starwars, Bonjovi, and oh yea, vaginas!"  Then you have to think about where to put the posters. Remember, the wall is prime real estate, you don't want to just put stuff up there, any where. There has to be some thought put into it. Not only where to put the posters, but how often do you want to be reminded of that thing you like? More importantly, who do you want to see it? You may like that girlie picture, but will your mother? I didn't think so.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dakota Fanny

First it was Miley (or was in Hanna?), then it was Dakota Fanning: dressing up as sluts (excuse me: sexually burgeoning women). Okay, being provocative on magazine covers (if it isn't titillating, why is on a magazine cover?). Grow up people, or rather let them grow up (because they are growing up, they can't be your little princess forever). These girls are becoming women, and if they want to encourage other women to continue to be sexual objects, that is their right (even if it is kind of stupid). But really, they are becoming women, and the dirty little secret about growing up is that sex is important to adults (I know, if we didn't put it into their heads, they'd never know about it, at least till the hormones got a hold of them), and saying it isn't only contributes to our problem (sex isn't bad, only the values around it).

Friday, January 13, 2012

21 Work Street

In order to save the world we must work less (mission accomplished). Thanks to factories, even time has been  commoditized (I want a replacement) A paper from the New Economics Foundation says that their is nothing "normal" about working 40 hours a week (no matter what your boss says). That this cycle of 40 (okay more) hours per work encourages consumption as a short cut to happiness (and economic bust) Ultimately the point is that we can't sustain a world wide level of Europe living standard, so lets learn to be happy with less.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Twin Peeks

This months National Geographic Magazine tells us something about twins: they are just like the rest of us (they just look  like each other.) Yes, it is true, while twins may have many things in common (like looks) and they may have even been raised similarly (like any children from the same family), the direct experiences of their specific lives alter them (that means if one burns her hand the twin's hand isn't burned). So even though we thought twins were just two sides of the same coin, they aren't (because they aren't coins). They are individuals just like the rest of you.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Filling Bankruptcy

Like many Americans, Hostess, the Twinky makers, is trying to lose the fat. (But for them most of that fat is money they owe other people) Hostess Brands  is hoping to take a bite out of its high costs (ie worker pay, worker insurance, and worker retirement) as it heads back into bankruptcy. Hostess has enough cash to keep stores stocked with its Ding Dongs, Ho Hos and other snacks for now. But longer term, the 87-year-old company has a bigger problem: Americans are tired of eating Shit.  Analysts say the iconic brand has been hurt by Americans' changing eating habits (and it wants an apology). The company hasn't laid off any workers, but said they will do what is in the best interests of the company (which is to lay off workers). The CEO said that Hostess has the potential to do much more business if they can get rid of the barriers to success. (The aforementioned worker pay, worker insurance, and worker retirement). The new filling of the Twinky: Chapter 11.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Grand Mammon

A 69-year-old Heidemarie Schwermer, grandmother of three, has lived without money (and presumabley sex) for sixteen years. In 1996, Heidemarie, a former (as in fired) schoolteacher and psychotherapist , decided to experiment with having no money for a year (because it was her only option). She reports that living without money gave her quality of life, inner wealth, freedom and no checking account fees. Her children were understandably horrified by her desire to swap services with hobos, but "have come around" (and by come around we mean find a way to have her declared legally insane.)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Leer Book

A young student is fighting for her right to appear as a porn star meat slab for men in a Colorado high school's year book. Her parents support her right to look like a slut. The student editors did offer her the opportunity to have the picture included in the ad section of the book, which seems more than appropriate to me. Since she seems intent on selling something.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Darth Voider

A Belgium fast food chain: Quick, is going to release limited edition Star Wars hamburgers to celebrate the 3D premiere of the Phantom Menace. In the words spoken like Yoda: "Black Bunned Burgers lead to stomach ache. Stomach ache leads to gas. Gas leads to farting. Farts to shitting." (note: I once was brought before a school board because of a similar joke about Yoda and farting, it went like you think it did.)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Hawking Women

There is one mystery that Stephen Hawking can't hack: women. While this may seem surprising to some it shouldn't be. He is a 70 year old man in a wheel chair. I have nothing against old people or wheel chairs, but together, seems a bit iffy. Besides when a woman says she wants to be swept off her feet, she doesn't mean literally.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


 Sarah Palin has a new do, who cares. Its not a slow news day, it isn't even a no news day, its a no-we-haven't-taken-the-time-to-find-any-news-day. Thanks news broadcasters for not taking the time to find real news.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Duggaring Santorm

TLC's resident college phone booth packing prank: the Duggers, have formally endorsed Santorum. The Senator not the sex act. Though if they endorsed the sex act we wouldn't have to watch Michelle shoot children out of her vagina like human cannonballs. So far it is literally the largest endorsement Rick has recieved from conservatives, even if most of them can't vote, or know who he or it is.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Flee Nelson

Senator Ben Nelson is retiring, I know, who cares. The Conservative-Posing-as-Democrat Congressman has decided to not run for Congress, and the only reasons I mention it is 1) I was from Nebraska and 2) it made a good play on the term "Full Nelson". Thats all, I hope Ernie Chambers runs, thats who we need in congress.