Property Envy

If you think your manhood is established by the things you own, then the terrorists really have won. In fact they managed to obliterate our slightly more enlightened society and send us back to the Dark Ages. My apologies to the Dark Ages, I meant the Bronze Age. Because there is only one thing that makes you a REAL man: a penis. And that is not my opinion, that's science, something else the terrorists have taken from us.

Toilet Ring

A couple in Montana lost a ring for 36 years, then God decided to give it back to them. God and a sledgehammer. God, a sledgehammer, and a couple of hunters. God, a sledgehammer, a couple of hunters, and a broken toilet. Again, God timed it just right so that 36 years later, just in the nick of time, they got the ring back. It was unscathed, the marriage: swirling the drain.

Lazy Ice

Those who complain about filling the ice cube trays must do some real work. My freezer has ice cube trays in it, and for the life of me I cannot be bothered to fill them. Or if I do I feel like I am building the Statue of Liberty. I think I need more in my life to do, then it would shrink this chore to its proper size.

Chimp Change

Cheetah the chimp has died. He lived a longer and more full life than most humans. His handlers said he could walk upright, was tuned into human emotions, and when made would throw his poop. Sounds like evolution to me. They also noted that he loved football, christian music, and finger painting. That describes most christians I know.